this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
