If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
