I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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