u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
