who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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