the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
