peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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