Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
You should frame my arrest warrant.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
