Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i think my tv is drunk
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize