Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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