you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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