is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
