I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
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