Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
