its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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