I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
