dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Randomize
