i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
