Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
