My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
