I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
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