I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
