So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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