I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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