Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
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