I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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