On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize