when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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