His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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