so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
