and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
