I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
