: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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