we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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