i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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