At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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