I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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