bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
