I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
