I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
