I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
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