everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
