I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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