Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
