you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
