And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
