drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
