I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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