I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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