Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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