ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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