My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
