I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
