I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
