Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
