someone threw a dead crab at me
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
