You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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