I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
